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Childhood Sexual Abuse 40ish Years Later

31 Jan

I will be shutting down this account soon because I do not want the monster to be able to find me. It is a sad state of affairs that I am frightened of him after all of these years after all he has done and I do not want him to know anything about me because just the mere thought of him creeping on my Facebook or my wordpress account makes me want to vomit.

However, I do want to say that after 42 years, I finally told on him when it matters. Let’s do a brief history first.

My biological father (“monster”) was physically abusive before he was sexually abusive. Not just to me, but my mother too. I don’t remember the exact circumstance, but when I was about 3 or 4 he either threw a hammer at my mom, or hit her directly with a hammer. He punched and kicked holes through the drywall of our new construction. Kicked a cat halfway across our 1/8 mile driveway. Beat me. There are several more instances, but they don’t stand out quite the same. I was terrified of him before he ever raped me.

I thought the first time he ever raped me was when I was 8 because I have very clear memories of that, but when I was in my 30s, I recalled an instance of him raping me at age 4. FOUR. What kind of sick monster rapes a four year old? Or EIGHT year old for that matter!? At that time, age 4, I sobbed. I want to say he made me to perform oral sex and I vomited too, but I could be confusing that with an instance I remember at age 8. What I do remember from the 4 year old experience was that he took me for ice cream at the ice cream stand in Spring Bay after I promised I would not tell my mother and that I would stop crying. It unfortunately was not only oral sex, and my childhood was ruined at a very early age by his selfish and disgusting motives.

Regardless of whether the abuse actually started at age 4 or age 8 is pretty moot. He raped me until I was 16 on a very regular basis. Whether it was 8 years of abuse or 12 is irrelevant. It should NEVER have happened. And I want his name broadcasted to the world right now, because he is approximately 66 years old and could still hurt someone. His name is Roland Edward White and he was born March 25, 1950. He lives in DeBary, Florida. If called upon for a legal affidavit, I would state the same. He has never served time in prison for what he has done, though in my opinion, he should have.

The reason I told on him was because of two very serious reasons. 1. He insisted I take a box of “mementos” on September 27, 2015, he called them, from the house I grew up in. In this box was an April 1983 Penthouse magazine with an article condoning child molesters (I think was right after the time I was terrified I was pregnant with his child because I didn’t have a period for 3 months – I was in 8 th grade.) This indicated to me that he was trying to justify the rapings and abuse in some sick and twisted way. 2. He talked specifically about one of his fiancée’s granddaughters who had been undergoing some medical procedures. So, I knew that 1. He was still a sick and disturbed individual and 2. I feared for his fiancée’s granddaughter’s safety.

I realize the can of worms I am opening right now and I have disowned him and anyone associated with him, but I am so hurt and angry and I hope to the heavens he NEVER has an apportunity to hurt anyone ever again and I have made it a personal mission that he does not, that I don’t even care anymore. That said, I am a bit fearful for my personal safety now that I have told on him. I hope I never have the misfortune of seeing or hearing from him ever again because he is my recurrent nightmare, but I am definitely resilient. I still have close family and friends and I am much MUCH stronger than that monster gives me credit for. I also choose to remain positive, and I have a bright future ahead of me.

Signing off with a peace, love and happiness wish. If you are among my close circle, you are still in touch with me. I love you all.

 

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Posted by on January 31, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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