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Childhood Sexual Abuse 40ish Years Later

I will be shutting down this account soon because I do not want the monster to be able to find me. It is a sad state of affairs that I am frightened of him after all of these years after all he has done and I do not want him to know anything about me because just the mere thought of him creeping on my Facebook or my wordpress account makes me want to vomit.

However, I do want to say that after 42 years, I finally told on him when it matters. Let’s do a brief history first.

My biological father (“monster”) was physically abusive before he was sexually abusive. Not just to me, but my mother too. I don’t remember the exact circumstance, but when I was about 3 or 4 he either threw a hammer at my mom, or hit her directly with a hammer. He punched and kicked holes through the drywall of our new construction. Kicked a cat halfway across our 1/8 mile driveway. Beat me. There are several more instances, but they don’t stand out quite the same. I was terrified of him before he ever raped me.

I thought the first time he ever raped me was when I was 8 because I have very clear memories of that, but when I was in my 30s, I recalled an instance of him raping me at age 4. FOUR. What kind of sick monster rapes a four year old? Or EIGHT year old for that matter!? At that time, age 4, I sobbed. I want to say he made me to perform oral sex and I vomited too, but I could be confusing that with an instance I remember at age 8. What I do remember from the 4 year old experience was that he took me for ice cream at the ice cream stand in Spring Bay after I promised I would not tell my mother and that I would stop crying. It unfortunately was not only oral sex, and my childhood was ruined at a very early age by his selfish and disgusting motives.

Regardless of whether the abuse actually started at age 4 or age 8 is pretty moot. He raped me until I was 16 on a very regular basis. Whether it was 8 years of abuse or 12 is irrelevant. It should NEVER have happened. And I want his name broadcasted to the world right now, because he is approximately 66 years old and could still hurt someone. His name is Roland Edward White and he was born March 25, 1950. He lives in DeBary, Florida. If called upon for a legal affidavit, I would state the same. He has never served time in prison for what he has done, though in my opinion, he should have.

The reason I told on him was because of two very serious reasons. 1. He insisted I take a box of “mementos” on September 27, 2015, he called them, from the house I grew up in. In this box was an April 1983 Penthouse magazine with an article condoning child molesters (I think was right after the time I was terrified I was pregnant with his child because I didn’t have a period for 3 months – I was in 8 th grade.) This indicated to me that he was trying to justify the rapings and abuse in some sick and twisted way. 2. He talked specifically about one of his fiancée’s granddaughters who had been undergoing some medical procedures. So, I knew that 1. He was still a sick and disturbed individual and 2. I feared for his fiancée’s granddaughter’s safety.

I realize the can of worms I am opening right now and I have disowned him and anyone associated with him, but I am so hurt and angry and I hope to the heavens he NEVER has an apportunity to hurt anyone ever again and I have made it a personal mission that he does not, that I don’t even care anymore. That said, I am a bit fearful for my personal safety now that I have told on him. I hope I never have the misfortune of seeing or hearing from him ever again because he is my recurrent nightmare, but I am definitely resilient. I still have close family and friends and I am much MUCH stronger than that monster gives me credit for. I also choose to remain positive, and I have a bright future ahead of me.

Signing off with a peace, love and happiness wish. If you are among my close circle, you are still in touch with me. I love you all.

 

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Belly dance, body image, core strength

Yeah, it has been a while. For a writer, I really do suck at updating my own blog space.

So, I started belly dancing in March as a way to build fitness into my life. I started the class with one of my very best friends from high school who is married to my ex-boyfriend and her sister-in-law is my instructor. (Long story there, but it is not nearly as exciting as it must sound….)

Anyway, I knew Aliyah way before she was Aliyah…we all take stage names. Mine is Cereza. Since I am Hispanic, and a language geek, I wanted something that represented me fully, but still honored middle-eastern traditions. In other words, I am performing. After just 2 months of instruction. Call me crazy ( yes, I really am pretty crazy) but I thought joining a student dance troupe would kinda force me into practicing more. I am awkward at best, but I am having a ton of fun! I have always been a Bohemian at heart, so this style of dance suits my personality too.

As for the autoimmune crap, this has been a really rough patch. I developed vasculitis, which kinda stings and is horribly ugly. I picked a really bad time to perform with bare legs…or bare anything. Which IS a nice segue into the next bit.

I am the only one in my troupe not confident enough to bare my belly. I am 40 pounds heavier than I was 6 years ago, but it goes way beyond that.  Being a victim of childhood sexual abuse and basing your self worth (and protection) around the size of your body can really play with your brain. I am ashamed of my body now, but I was equally ashamed of it 40 pounds ago, too. This might shock you, because it is for the same reason. It is because it gets NOTICED. Men outrightly proposition me at 40 pounds lighter and they outrightly body shame me where I am now. My sweet spot, where I can be a wallflower is 20-25 pounds lighter than I am now.

I know in my brain that I am who I am no matter what the scale says. However, logic gets thrown out the window when self esteem is at stake, I am hoping upon hope that dancing with my new sisters will convince me to shed my inhibitions, but for now…ugh.

 
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Posted by on June 3, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

find your why

find your why.

 
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Posted by on October 26, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Freezing up the Protagonist, examples in how antagonists make life hard for Nikki Heat

Celestial Bear

Recently, our PeoWriMo group had a workshop on antagonists. We talked about the antagonist in the fairly abstract quite a bit and primarily used examples from sci-fi and fantasy projects since those are the fields Barb and I write in and pay the most attention to. This week, I’m reading Frozen Heat by Richard Castle (a pseudonym) and as I close in on the final pages, I realize that it has so many different antagonists that it goes through the abstracts we talked about. I’ll break down the different antagonists and how they function in the novel.

A short summary on the book first: Frozen Heat is the fourth Nikki Heat book based off the characters discussed in the television show Castle. For this book’s case, Heat discovers a murdered woman in the suitcase that once belonged to her own mother. The case thaws details on the murder of…

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Posted by on September 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Visual Journals Need Visual Edits

Great points, all of them. I’ll be creating an art journal to give to my senior as a Christmas gift…I’m a little bit nervous because I want to put a lot of thought into it, yet I want it to look effortless and spontaneous. But…this is the first “shared” visual journal I’ll be creating, and I want it to be very special.

QuinnCreative

She handed me her journal–pages splashed with color, thick with found items and inserts. “What do you think?” she asked eagerly.  Tough question to answer. It doesn’t matter what I think if she is satisfied. If she likes her work, if she found meaning in the activity or the result, then my opinion has no importance.

A journal, like a suitcase, can be over-packed. At that point, it's not luggage, it's baggage. A journal, like a suitcase, can be over-packed. At that point, it’s not luggage, it’s baggage.

In another way, I’d like to know why she’s asking the question. Is this the art journal equivalent of “Do these pants make my tuchus look fat?” Is she asking for praise in a hidden way? Is she looking for suggestions? Approval?

I turned the pages of the journal. I’d heard of the technique–do anything. Some pages were sewn chaotically, combining junk mail and lace, tulle and magazine pages. The bobbin thread had become confused with the different…

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Posted by on August 22, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

It was a great day – and a great event! For anyone who says Peoria doesn’t have anything to offer to the arts community, I call foul. They just aren’t looking in the right place. Peoria is rich in culture, arts and entertainment, if you know where to look.

PeoWriMos -- Peoria Writers' Group

IGNITE-logo-11

Ignite Peoria was so much fun!

We hosted two informal workshops for kids this afternoon.  We came armed with handouts and workbooks, and had a great time talking about some story basics!

Turns out, most of our audience was already well-versed in fiction mechanics. We spent our time talking about their experiences writing and how to trouble-shoot when they run into problems, deal with writer’s block, don’t know what to write next, or even how to deal with the dreaded inner editor!

I loved meeting each and every one of our young writers. To them, and to you, I wish you,

Happy Writing!

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Posted by on August 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Mail Art: Just Do It! (A Non-Artist’s Perspective)

Mail Art: Just Do It! (A Non-Artist’s Perspective)

If you’ve ever received a very colorful, hand-embellished envelope from me, know that I am trying my hand at mail art. Mail art has been around since the advent of the postal service but it was made popular in the 1950s (known art exchanges have been documented with Exquisite Corpse, earlier in the century as well). It is making a revival, especially given the popularity of email, the decline of the economy which is affecting the postal service in every community world-wide and the love of nostalgia.

I’m a huge fan of mail art! Not only decorating envelopes, but participating in exchanges that are devoted to sending handmade goodies via snailmail.

I recently became involved in a mail art swap, and I had the best time! I lurked in the group for several months before I finally signed up for one of their every-other-month swaps (I don’t have permission to advertise the group, but if you search on mail art in Facebook, you will be able to find it & request membership of the closed group!) in June and mailed my creations out this month.

Mind you, I am not an artist. I can doodle and make some crafty things without feeling horribly embarrassed, but the reason I waited so long to join an exchange was because nearly everyone there is a true artist! The reason I joined a swap recently was because the theme was “Dinosaurs, Unicorns & Octopi” and I wanted to make an octopus. Like this:

yarn octopus

It was purely nostalgia & selfishness that drove me. I didn’t have any other plan than a dorky yarn octopus-one like the pink one that sat on the pink bedspread of “my” room at my grandparents’ house when I was growing up. There was one guy in the exchange…I waited with baited breath, just hoping I wouldn’t end up with the guy as my partner because I didn’t think he’d appreciate a cutesy yarn doll. Finally, I got a girl!! Alas, a non-frilly goth girl. Thus, the crazy, red button eyes and charcoal gray color of my doll! haha

This also afforded me the opportunity to start something I’ve been wanting to do for a few months now. I was the recipient of a 100 Post Card project last year, was honored to be involved & thought it would be really cool to pay it forward with 100 Haikus. That project has since evolved, and now I am planning to send 100 Poetry Broadsides (handmade) instead with my original poetry. Here is the broadside I sent for the exchange:

broadside2

I drug my feet on this, actually. I had to freehand the mermaid tail and it terrified me! The deadline was looming though, and I just had to do it. I don’t think it turned out nearly as bad as I was thinking it could!

Finally, feeling a bit sub-par with my art skills (or lack thereof), I decided to make a mixed tape for my exchange buddy. I stalked her tumblr account to see what sort of music she liked & got a CD made with all sorts of dino-uni-octi-themed music & a handmade CD insert. You get to enjoy a song off of the CD too! I figure, she will at least enjoy the music even if she thinks the octopus is stupid & the artwork and/or poetry is lame.

dino-uni-octi2

I am pretty fearless with my attempts at art. Maybe because I know I’m not an artist (technically writing is an art, but the art that I have any talent in only involves WORDS!), so you might think I’m just a glutton for punishment, but…

I signed up for the next exchange too, which is an Alphabet exchange (think Dr. Seuss’s Alphabet Book). Plus, I invited my daughter, who truly is an artist to join the exchange too, because she LOVES typography. It was her favorite class in her college art studies. She is going to make me look really silly, but I am super proud of her, and I have writerly ideas in mind too. I can’t wait to find out which letter I will be responsible for (we will be assigned our letter in early August). I can’t wait to start on the newest chapter of my artsy endeavors! Carpe diem!

 
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Posted by on July 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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