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Childhood Sexual Abuse 40ish Years Later

I will be shutting down this account soon because I do not want the monster to be able to find me. It is a sad state of affairs that I am frightened of him after all of these years after all he has done and I do not want him to know anything about me because just the mere thought of him creeping on my Facebook or my wordpress account makes me want to vomit.

However, I do want to say that after 42 years, I finally told on him when it matters. Let’s do a brief history first.

My biological father (“monster”) was physically abusive before he was sexually abusive. Not just to me, but my mother too. I don’t remember the exact circumstance, but when I was about 3 or 4 he either threw a hammer at my mom, or hit her directly with a hammer. He punched and kicked holes through the drywall of our new construction. Kicked a cat halfway across our 1/8 mile driveway. Beat me. There are several more instances, but they don’t stand out quite the same. I was terrified of him before he ever raped me.

I thought the first time he ever raped me was when I was 8 because I have very clear memories of that, but when I was in my 30s, I recalled an instance of him raping me at age 4. FOUR. What kind of sick monster rapes a four year old? Or EIGHT year old for that matter!? At that time, age 4, I sobbed. I want to say he made me to perform oral sex and I vomited too, but I could be confusing that with an instance I remember at age 8. What I do remember from the 4 year old experience was that he took me for ice cream at the ice cream stand in Spring Bay after I promised I would not tell my mother and that I would stop crying. It unfortunately was not only oral sex, and my childhood was ruined at a very early age by his selfish and disgusting motives.

Regardless of whether the abuse actually started at age 4 or age 8 is pretty moot. He raped me until I was 16 on a very regular basis. Whether it was 8 years of abuse or 12 is irrelevant. It should NEVER have happened. And I want his name broadcasted to the world right now, because he is approximately 66 years old and could still hurt someone. His name is Roland Edward White and he was born March 25, 1950. He lives in DeBary, Florida. If called upon for a legal affidavit, I would state the same. He has never served time in prison for what he has done, though in my opinion, he should have.

The reason I told on him was because of two very serious reasons. 1. He insisted I take a box of “mementos” on September 27, 2015, he called them, from the house I grew up in. In this box was an April 1983 Penthouse magazine with an article condoning child molesters (I think was right after the time I was terrified I was pregnant with his child because I didn’t have a period for 3 months – I was in 8 th grade.) This indicated to me that he was trying to justify the rapings and abuse in some sick and twisted way. 2. He talked specifically about one of his fiancée’s granddaughters who had been undergoing some medical procedures. So, I knew that 1. He was still a sick and disturbed individual and 2. I feared for his fiancée’s granddaughter’s safety.

I realize the can of worms I am opening right now and I have disowned him and anyone associated with him, but I am so hurt and angry and I hope to the heavens he NEVER has an apportunity to hurt anyone ever again and I have made it a personal mission that he does not, that I don’t even care anymore. That said, I am a bit fearful for my personal safety now that I have told on him. I hope I never have the misfortune of seeing or hearing from him ever again because he is my recurrent nightmare, but I am definitely resilient. I still have close family and friends and I am much MUCH stronger than that monster gives me credit for. I also choose to remain positive, and I have a bright future ahead of me.

Signing off with a peace, love and happiness wish. If you are among my close circle, you are still in touch with me. I love you all.

 

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Belly dance, body image, core strength

Yeah, it has been a while. For a writer, I really do suck at updating my own blog space.

So, I started belly dancing in March as a way to build fitness into my life. I started the class with one of my very best friends from high school who is married to my ex-boyfriend and her sister-in-law is my instructor. (Long story there, but it is not nearly as exciting as it must sound….)

Anyway, I knew Aliyah way before she was Aliyah…we all take stage names. Mine is Cereza. Since I am Hispanic, and a language geek, I wanted something that represented me fully, but still honored middle-eastern traditions. In other words, I am performing. After just 2 months of instruction. Call me crazy ( yes, I really am pretty crazy) but I thought joining a student dance troupe would kinda force me into practicing more. I am awkward at best, but I am having a ton of fun! I have always been a Bohemian at heart, so this style of dance suits my personality too.

As for the autoimmune crap, this has been a really rough patch. I developed vasculitis, which kinda stings and is horribly ugly. I picked a really bad time to perform with bare legs…or bare anything. Which IS a nice segue into the next bit.

I am the only one in my troupe not confident enough to bare my belly. I am 40 pounds heavier than I was 6 years ago, but it goes way beyond that.  Being a victim of childhood sexual abuse and basing your self worth (and protection) around the size of your body can really play with your brain. I am ashamed of my body now, but I was equally ashamed of it 40 pounds ago, too. This might shock you, because it is for the same reason. It is because it gets NOTICED. Men outrightly proposition me at 40 pounds lighter and they outrightly body shame me where I am now. My sweet spot, where I can be a wallflower is 20-25 pounds lighter than I am now.

I know in my brain that I am who I am no matter what the scale says. However, logic gets thrown out the window when self esteem is at stake, I am hoping upon hope that dancing with my new sisters will convince me to shed my inhibitions, but for now…ugh.

 
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Posted by on June 3, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

find your why

find your why.

 
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Posted by on October 26, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Freezing up the Protagonist, examples in how antagonists make life hard for Nikki Heat

Celestial Bear

Recently, our PeoWriMo group had a workshop on antagonists. We talked about the antagonist in the fairly abstract quite a bit and primarily used examples from sci-fi and fantasy projects since those are the fields Barb and I write in and pay the most attention to. This week, I’m reading Frozen Heat by Richard Castle (a pseudonym) and as I close in on the final pages, I realize that it has so many different antagonists that it goes through the abstracts we talked about. I’ll break down the different antagonists and how they function in the novel.

A short summary on the book first: Frozen Heat is the fourth Nikki Heat book based off the characters discussed in the television show Castle. For this book’s case, Heat discovers a murdered woman in the suitcase that once belonged to her own mother. The case thaws details on the murder of…

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Posted by on September 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Update-ish

So, I have been busy. Submitting! Reclaiming old hard drives & finding out if I had any diamonds in the rough. I had a couple. Here’s one:

imageIt’s 10 years old, or so. Corel Draw–remember that program? It was powerful for its day.

Here’s another easy peasy envelope idea–just use decorative tape (Washi, Duct, etc…this example is duct tape–there is a bonus kitty in there, too! That’s Poco, our crazy old man kitty. He’s super imagesweet, though.)

Working on a new poetry project. Hoping to get it mostly first draft ready before NaNoWriMo begins, because I have a really cool adventure-fantasy novel in mind to write for November. I’m still not as far along with idea generating as I am in a normal year, but I have main characters fleshed out, some secondary characters and I know the general theme of the story. I still don’t have an ending in mind, which is somewhat troublesome, but…I think the story will be a TON of fun to write, and maybe I don’t have to have everything laid out beforehand. Maybe the ending will write itself once I get involved in the story. I am trying not to be too worried. I call myself a “pantser” because I don’t use a formal outline. I think though that I AM actually an outliner, only I keep it up in my head until it’s time to write. My brain has taken so many hits this year, I’m a little (lot) worried about relying on my memory these days. I really need to start writing all of my ideas down, so I can reference (and not forget) them.

I have let go of a couple of worries (mostly) so my head has not been as bad as it was earlier in the summer. We visited my Bebecita & her fiance this past weekend in Indianapolis. Had a great time! I miss my baby girl, though. :( We saw Oklahoma! at Beef & Boards which is one of our favorite Indy hangouts. Unfortunately, it was the weakest performance we’ve ever seen at Beef & Boards and also the weakest performance of Oklahoma! :( We were so disappointed, we left at intermission. We did get a birthday cake for the Bebecita, though! She’ll be 24 this Friday. So hard to believe!

Hubs and I also celebrated our anniversary this past Friday. #16 married and #21 since we met & started dating. His friend was in town from Texas, so we hung out with him for a while. Had dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. No disappointment there–the food was AMAZING! Hubs even danced with me, which was fun. We’ve been so busy lately, though, that we came home and CRASHED. So much work, it’s crazy.

Speaking of work…I have some to do tonight, so I need to jet–but I’m overdue on an update!

Namaste~

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on September 8, 2014 in Scribbles

 

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Sidewalk Poetry Event

Here are some of my offerings for the Sidewalk Poetry event at I Know You Like a Book from 6-7pm tonight in Peoria Heights. The flip side of the palm card is information about PeoWrimos, my writers’ group! Come read your poetry, or enjoy the words of others.

image image image image

 
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Posted by on August 28, 2014 in Scribbles

 

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Easy Ways to Make Envelopes Fun

I’m an avid letter writer. I “adopted” a senior in Florida whom I adore. I have pen pals. I write to friends who’ve moved away. I send cards.

I love mail! I’ve gotten to the point where I almost feel like sending a letter in a plain white envelope is sending my child off to school naked!

Maybe that’s a slight exaggeration.

I’m not an artist, but I love and appreciate little details. Here are three examples of very easy (and inexpensive) ideas you can use today to send your correspondence slightly less naked!

image(From bottom to top:)

1. Colored chalks. You can even use sidewalk chalks, but be aware that the cheaper chalks will rub off more easily when going through the postal machines. I take a cotton ball and using the lighter color first (in this example, yellow) I dab patches of color all over the front and back of the envelope. Then I dab the second color in the spaces in between. I shake off the excess chalk and carefully blend, so the colors form a soft bond, and it almost gives it a tie-dyed effect.

2. Purchased envelopes from dollar stores. I found these cute envelopes in a package of twelve for just $1US. If you hunt around in nearby bins, sometimes you might find matching stationery, as well.

3. Sharpie squiggle art! Who doesn’t love sharpie art, and it makes a bold impression. I obviously had to use an address label, but this envelope was so much fun to make, I will be making more!

If you’re in a hurry, even just adding a cute sticker, a doodle or a funny quote can add charm to your correspondence.

image I’ve gotten away from writing letters as I’ve been dealing with illness. I’ve missed it. I know when we move (especially if we move to another country) this will become an integral part of my life. I’m on a mission to make it more routine again. To pick up from where I left off on the 100 Haikus Project.

To send bad art with reckless abandon, but heartfelt intentions!

Happy Day!

 
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Posted by on August 24, 2014 in Scribbles

 

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